Last weekend my credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief is spending less than my wife does.
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
MABEL: When I'm old and ugly, will you still love me?
PERCY: I do, don't I?
Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!
A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.
A FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.
When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.
A man had a wife who was a terrible cook - she just served frozen food day after day. Eventually the husband went to his doctor and explained his problem. 'And what's the trouble?' asked the doctor. 'Ulcers?' 'No, frostbite.'
'Are you married?'
'No, I've always been round-shouldered.'
Source:thejokes.co.uk
