"My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact."
"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead."
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. "
"Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! "
"Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives."
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."
"Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. "
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